The Port Authority of Allegheny County will soon be reduced to Pittsburgh PAT only. The suggested cuts are devastating, 35%. Most routes that extend beyond the city limits will be phased out. Let me explain why this should concern you. I'm not just speaking to the people of Pittsburgh, I'm speaking to the world, because your city may be next.
Backseat Babies
You see, not only will the poor be affected by this, but so will EVERYONE. Get this. Fewer busses mean more cars on the road. More cars on the road, more traffic. More traffic, longer trips to the hospital. Longer trips to the hospital, more babies born in the backseat of cars. 20 years from now, your city will be crawling with backseat babies. You don't want that, do you? You ever see one of these kids? They’re an odd leathery bunch. They tend to be loaners. You can usually spot one in the corner of any classroom, chewing crayons and making spit art on the walls. City full of those and the graffiti around town will get very interesting.
CO2
Ok. Whether you know it or not, you’re always inhaling farts while walking around the city. I mean, when do you feel most free to blow ass? Outside, right? Cause no one’s going to really smell it, and even if they do, you’re already walking away from it. J. Bond farts. Sometimes when I’m walking downtown, I like to imagine I’m being chased by undercover agents, and I release a silent but deadly gas from my tailpipe to get them off my back. Anyway, without a transit system, or enough money for a car, the masses will flood the city center to live and work. You thought the air was thick before? Concentrated people equals concentrated funk. You’re gonna get hit with Agent Brown every other block. You’ll walk into work every day with invisible spider web face, smelling like a fresh shit shower. People are gonna think your home life sucks.
Sharks
So you’re walking down the street when, out the corner of your eye, you see a man raping a dog while children scream in horror. You’ve just witnessed the third side effect of a poor transit system, crime. That dog belonged to a family on the skids. After daddy couldn’t get to work any longer on the bus, he enlisted the aid of Loan the Shark to get him a new car. With all the increased traffic, Daddy spent many hours on the road getting to and from the city. This was not only expensive but tiring. So when daddy got fired for sleeping at his desk, he had no savings to pay Shark back. Shark knew that if he killed daddy, he’d never get paid. So to show him he means business, he kidnapped the kids and dog, and put on a show for the children they wouldn’t soon forget. Shark clearly has issues… bus issues.
Mo People Mo Problems
Lastly, I want to talk about insurance rates and vehicle maintenance costs. As we know, with more cars on the roads, there will be more potholes. That much is obvious. What you fail to realize is that there’ll also be more tardos getting hit by these cars; old people, cell phone junkies, rappers, furries. Not your concern, right? That is, until they cause front end damage to your sweet, minimally insured Daewoo. There goes your insurance rate. It went up with the puff of ash you just knocked off that crackhead, whose now screaming lawsuit. And you’re looking at his pipe like it might not be a bad idea. Next thing you know, you’re on the wrong side of civil court with a new addiction. Say no to drugs and say yes to mass transit, brotha.
These are just a few of the concerns one should have about losing the transit system within their community. It’ll be harder to transport goods and services in and out of the city. Pollution and crime rates will rise. The cost of living will increase sharply, while the quality of living decreases just as fast. And fat kids. I don’t know how they fit into this, but they do… snuggly. So support your local transit system, world. Or find yourself in a 4 hour rush, contemplating the taste of bullets.
“ Mr. Owl, how many wipes does it take to get to the bottom of my asshole?”
“Let’s find out. One, two-hoo, three… more than three.”
No comments:
Post a Comment