The Port Authority of Allegheny County will soon be reduced to Pittsburgh PAT only. The suggested cuts are devastating, 35%. Most routes that extend beyond the city limits will be phased out. Let me explain why this should concern you. I'm not just speaking to the people of Pittsburgh, I'm speaking to the world, because your city may be next.
Backseat Babies
You see, not only will the poor be affected by this, but so will EVERYONE. Get this. Fewer busses mean more cars on the road. More cars on the road, more traffic. More traffic, longer trips to the hospital. Longer trips to the hospital, more babies born in the backseat of cars. 20 years from now, your city will be crawling with backseat babies. You don't want that, do you? You ever see one of these kids? They’re an odd leathery bunch. They tend to be loaners. You can usually spot one in the corner of any classroom, chewing crayons and making spit art on the walls. City full of those and the graffiti around town will get very interesting.
CO2
Ok. Whether you know it or not, you’re always inhaling farts while walking around the city. I mean, when do you feel most free to blow ass? Outside, right? Cause no one’s going to really smell it, and even if they do, you’re already walking away from it. J. Bond farts. Sometimes when I’m walking downtown, I like to imagine I’m being chased by undercover agents, and I release a silent but deadly gas from my tailpipe to get them off my back. Anyway, without a transit system, or enough money for a car, the masses will flood the city center to live and work. You thought the air was thick before? Concentrated people equals concentrated funk. You’re gonna get hit with Agent Brown every other block. You’ll walk into work every day with invisible spider web face, smelling like a fresh shit shower. People are gonna think your home life sucks.
Sharks
So you’re walking down the street when, out the corner of your eye, you see a man raping a dog while children scream in horror. You’ve just witnessed the third side effect of a poor transit system, crime. That dog belonged to a family on the skids. After daddy couldn’t get to work any longer on the bus, he enlisted the aid of Loan the Shark to get him a new car. With all the increased traffic, Daddy spent many hours on the road getting to and from the city. This was not only expensive but tiring. So when daddy got fired for sleeping at his desk, he had no savings to pay Shark back. Shark knew that if he killed daddy, he’d never get paid. So to show him he means business, he kidnapped the kids and dog, and put on a show for the children they wouldn’t soon forget. Shark clearly has issues… bus issues.
Mo People Mo Problems
Lastly, I want to talk about insurance rates and vehicle maintenance costs. As we know, with more cars on the roads, there will be more potholes. That much is obvious. What you fail to realize is that there’ll also be more tardos getting hit by these cars; old people, cell phone junkies, rappers, furries. Not your concern, right? That is, until they cause front end damage to your sweet, minimally insured Daewoo. There goes your insurance rate. It went up with the puff of ash you just knocked off that crackhead, whose now screaming lawsuit. And you’re looking at his pipe like it might not be a bad idea. Next thing you know, you’re on the wrong side of civil court with a new addiction. Say no to drugs and say yes to mass transit, brotha.
These are just a few of the concerns one should have about losing the transit system within their community. It’ll be harder to transport goods and services in and out of the city. Pollution and crime rates will rise. The cost of living will increase sharply, while the quality of living decreases just as fast. And fat kids. I don’t know how they fit into this, but they do… snuggly. So support your local transit system, world. Or find yourself in a 4 hour rush, contemplating the taste of bullets.
“ Mr. Owl, how many wipes does it take to get to the bottom of my asshole?”
“Let’s find out. One, two-hoo, three… more than three.”
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
The To Don't List
So I have a lot of female friends I actually listen to, from time to time. They tell me lots of stories about guys they’re dating & it never ceases to amaze me, just how bat shit crazy some of these guys are. This isn’t about them. We’ll save them for another Day. This is about the borderline tendencies, the ones that seem to come up more often than others. Those instances in which the alcohol or emotions take advantage, & you end up as subject material for another Day Bracey post…
1. “I Love You.”
Ok. So traditionally, the third date is the sweet spot. It’s the date that a chick can take her clothes off without feeling like a dick towel (from the roll you keep by your bed). Question: On which date is it ok to tell a girl you love her? 1st? 5th? 10th? The answer: NEVER! It’s a trick question! If you’re still “dating”, like, having to make dates and agree upon them, on a semi regular basis, then your "love" just got you a step closer to being maced or tased (“Don’t tase me, bro!”). If you’re not talking on a near daily basis, or have a label, love is a scary thing for a woman. Not in the sense that she doesn’t want to get her feelings hurt, but in a sense that she doesn’t want to become your new leather dress (“It puts the lotion on its skin…”). Some women are flattered by it, and eager to hop into a relationship after hearing this. These women also enjoy waving sharp objects at genitals. Most normal women, after being told they’re loved by a guy whose last name they barely remember, are frantically searching for either a police officer, or a phone… to tweet this hilarious shit. Either way, it’s a bad look.
Not only that, but the minute she hears it, she’s thinking, ‘I knew I shouldn’t have let him…’ And that means you’re not only fucking up your sitch, but now you’ve made it that much harder for the next man to get her to do the same thing. You just raised the price of her milkshake. Thanks, Sensitive Sam. As men, we need to keep pussy inflation rates to a minimum. You just made her feel like her gush should be on display at the Louvre. Don’t do this. For the sake of all parties involved, remember, no label no love. This means girlfriends, wives, mistresses, and hookers (since you’re paying for it anyway).
2. Booty Calls
For one to three night-stands, there is a statute of limitation for the period of time you can call up a chick post coitus. Five years is well beyond that period. I mean, I can see you going the Facebook, Twitter route, kinda easing your way back into things. But 3am booty calls? Years after you’ve forgotten what the broad even looks like? Not only do you come off as some hungry ex con with a weak butthole and strong forearms, but now her girlfriend (a lot changes in 5yrs) is gonna punch her in the eye for it. And ain’t nothing sexy about two butch chicks fist fighting… titties and flannels flying everywhere. Not to mention pussy inflation. You just added three zeros and a comma to it.
This doesn’t include exes. You know… real exes? Like, both parties admitted to it? Just because she ate ya asshole a couple of times, doesn’t mean you’re official, my friend. Some girls just had weird uncles. If you’re an ex and you call years later, it may be a little weird… lotta weird… and you definitely come off as desperate. But if your stroke game was proper back then…? You never know. They say ginas have the memory of an elephant. And by ‘they’, I mean me. I say that. And so should you.
3. The Status
Lastly, let her decide when it’s time to change the relationship status on Facebook. Honestly, this is something that shouldn’t even concern you. Facebook statuses are like wedding rings. Women care if you wear them, because they know other women will notice and act accordingly. Men don’t give a fuck about rings because they know other men don’t give a fuck about rings. “Oh, you’re married? That’s nice. Would you like to see a picture of my cock?” To a man, a ring on a married woman means we don't have to worry about a commitment. It's a ‘for rent’ sign. My point is, changing her status really isn’t going to mean shit to anyone but you. So there’s no use in bringing it up. But if you must, please don’t do so after the 1st date! No matter how nice of a time she may have had on that date, waking up the next morning to a GD relationship request on Facebook is only going to land you in the friend zone if you’re lucky, the blocked call list if not. Again, there are some women who would be flattered by this, and eager to rush into a relationship with you. They’re also eager to rush into your house and bank account, with their five kids and ex felon brother. Hope you got a big couch. They’ll all be sleeping on it.
Oh, and did I mention the inflation rate on that? ESPECIALLY if she didn’t even let you SMELL it that night? You might as well have hooked that coochie up to a helium tank. She ain’t ever coming down.
I hope these tips have helped some. The key to successful dating is to keep in mind WWDD, What would Day do? I assure you, he’s definitely not approaching random women on dating sites, asking them to mail their dirty socks and q tips to his P.O. box. Neither should you be. And if you’re still not sure, hit that twitter follow button. We’ll set you straight in no time. Till next time...
"Seriously, has anyone seen my kid anywhere??"
1. “I Love You.”
Ok. So traditionally, the third date is the sweet spot. It’s the date that a chick can take her clothes off without feeling like a dick towel (from the roll you keep by your bed). Question: On which date is it ok to tell a girl you love her? 1st? 5th? 10th? The answer: NEVER! It’s a trick question! If you’re still “dating”, like, having to make dates and agree upon them, on a semi regular basis, then your "love" just got you a step closer to being maced or tased (“Don’t tase me, bro!”). If you’re not talking on a near daily basis, or have a label, love is a scary thing for a woman. Not in the sense that she doesn’t want to get her feelings hurt, but in a sense that she doesn’t want to become your new leather dress (“It puts the lotion on its skin…”). Some women are flattered by it, and eager to hop into a relationship after hearing this. These women also enjoy waving sharp objects at genitals. Most normal women, after being told they’re loved by a guy whose last name they barely remember, are frantically searching for either a police officer, or a phone… to tweet this hilarious shit. Either way, it’s a bad look.
Not only that, but the minute she hears it, she’s thinking, ‘I knew I shouldn’t have let him…’ And that means you’re not only fucking up your sitch, but now you’ve made it that much harder for the next man to get her to do the same thing. You just raised the price of her milkshake. Thanks, Sensitive Sam. As men, we need to keep pussy inflation rates to a minimum. You just made her feel like her gush should be on display at the Louvre. Don’t do this. For the sake of all parties involved, remember, no label no love. This means girlfriends, wives, mistresses, and hookers (since you’re paying for it anyway).
2. Booty Calls
For one to three night-stands, there is a statute of limitation for the period of time you can call up a chick post coitus. Five years is well beyond that period. I mean, I can see you going the Facebook, Twitter route, kinda easing your way back into things. But 3am booty calls? Years after you’ve forgotten what the broad even looks like? Not only do you come off as some hungry ex con with a weak butthole and strong forearms, but now her girlfriend (a lot changes in 5yrs) is gonna punch her in the eye for it. And ain’t nothing sexy about two butch chicks fist fighting… titties and flannels flying everywhere. Not to mention pussy inflation. You just added three zeros and a comma to it.
This doesn’t include exes. You know… real exes? Like, both parties admitted to it? Just because she ate ya asshole a couple of times, doesn’t mean you’re official, my friend. Some girls just had weird uncles. If you’re an ex and you call years later, it may be a little weird… lotta weird… and you definitely come off as desperate. But if your stroke game was proper back then…? You never know. They say ginas have the memory of an elephant. And by ‘they’, I mean me. I say that. And so should you.
3. The Status
Lastly, let her decide when it’s time to change the relationship status on Facebook. Honestly, this is something that shouldn’t even concern you. Facebook statuses are like wedding rings. Women care if you wear them, because they know other women will notice and act accordingly. Men don’t give a fuck about rings because they know other men don’t give a fuck about rings. “Oh, you’re married? That’s nice. Would you like to see a picture of my cock?” To a man, a ring on a married woman means we don't have to worry about a commitment. It's a ‘for rent’ sign. My point is, changing her status really isn’t going to mean shit to anyone but you. So there’s no use in bringing it up. But if you must, please don’t do so after the 1st date! No matter how nice of a time she may have had on that date, waking up the next morning to a GD relationship request on Facebook is only going to land you in the friend zone if you’re lucky, the blocked call list if not. Again, there are some women who would be flattered by this, and eager to rush into a relationship with you. They’re also eager to rush into your house and bank account, with their five kids and ex felon brother. Hope you got a big couch. They’ll all be sleeping on it.
Oh, and did I mention the inflation rate on that? ESPECIALLY if she didn’t even let you SMELL it that night? You might as well have hooked that coochie up to a helium tank. She ain’t ever coming down.
I hope these tips have helped some. The key to successful dating is to keep in mind WWDD, What would Day do? I assure you, he’s definitely not approaching random women on dating sites, asking them to mail their dirty socks and q tips to his P.O. box. Neither should you be. And if you’re still not sure, hit that twitter follow button. We’ll set you straight in no time. Till next time...
"Seriously, has anyone seen my kid anywhere??"
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