Signs

Often times my female friends come to me for relationship advice. Funny, right? Like asking a bum for change. One of the most common questions I receive is "How can I tell if he's cheating on me". Well ladies, at the risk of having my Playa card revoked, I'm spilling the beans. Five signs that you're man may be cheating. Now ladies, the key word is "may". None of these are concrete. What I would suggest is for you to treat this like a check list. Three or more, and you can feel secure about your insecurity. Fellas, forgive me for what I'm about to do.

1. Look over at your man. Right now. Is his penis in another woman's orifice? Any of them? Vag, mouth, ear? If so, he may be cheating on you. First be sure it isn't a relative or medical expert. He may be practicing a strange family tradition, or receiving treatment for a shaft related injury or ailment. In which case, you should offer your support and understanding. But if not, sorry to break it to you, but he may be cheating.

2. Has a close friend come to you and told you they were sleeping with your man? Has she described his genitals in intimate detail? Has she shown you texts, videos, emails, Polaroids, notarized confessions and a note from his mother to corroborate her story? Was your man standing next to her, nodding in agreement? Did they re-enact it for you stroke by stroke? If so, then I'm sorry to say ladies, but your man may be cheating.

3. Look around the house. Maybe there are clues lying around that have gone unnoticed. Signs to look for include women's underwear or jewelry that doesn't belong to you, nude women who are not you, that fresh sex smell, hand written receipts from prostitutes, pimps sitting on the couch cracking their knuckles as they wait for him to come home, and a "to do" list that only has women's names on it. If you find two or more of these present in your man's house, he may be cheating.

4. Stop. Take a good look around you. Are you on a stage? Are there bright lights and cameras in front of you? A stripper pole to the right? A fight going on to the left? Is the 56th mayor of Cincinnati holding a mic and cracking wise? Are people chanting "Jerry!" repeatedly? Well my friend, you are on the Jerry Springer Show and may be about to find out your man is cheating on you... or that he's a woman... or that he wants you to smear donkey doo all over him during coitus... Let's hope he's cheating on you.

5. Last but not least, does he have another girlfriend or woman that he spends more of his time with? Does he never seem to call or text anymore? Has he changed his phone number and/or address without telling you? Does he say things like "What's your problem?" and "Stop stalking me!"? Is there a restraining order against you? If so, he may be cheating on you, and the only thing that's gonna win him over is your continued pursuit of, and undying affection for him.

Well I hope this helps, ladies. If anyone has any other signs they want to add, feel free to leave them in the comment section. And if you do happen to find out your man is cheating on you, just give me a call and I'll be more than happy to come over and "console" you... nude.

Ciao!

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