Signs

Often times my female friends come to me for relationship advice. Funny, right? Like asking a bum for change. One of the most common questions I receive is "How can I tell if he's cheating on me". Well ladies, at the risk of having my Playa card revoked, I'm spilling the beans. Five signs that you're man may be cheating. Now ladies, the key word is "may". None of these are concrete. What I would suggest is for you to treat this like a check list. Three or more, and you can feel secure about your insecurity. Fellas, forgive me for what I'm about to do.

1. Look over at your man. Right now. Is his penis in another woman's orifice? Any of them? Vag, mouth, ear? If so, he may be cheating on you. First be sure it isn't a relative or medical expert. He may be practicing a strange family tradition, or receiving treatment for a shaft related injury or ailment. In which case, you should offer your support and understanding. But if not, sorry to break it to you, but he may be cheating.

2. Has a close friend come to you and told you they were sleeping with your man? Has she described his genitals in intimate detail? Has she shown you texts, videos, emails, Polaroids, notarized confessions and a note from his mother to corroborate her story? Was your man standing next to her, nodding in agreement? Did they re-enact it for you stroke by stroke? If so, then I'm sorry to say ladies, but your man may be cheating.

3. Look around the house. Maybe there are clues lying around that have gone unnoticed. Signs to look for include women's underwear or jewelry that doesn't belong to you, nude women who are not you, that fresh sex smell, hand written receipts from prostitutes, pimps sitting on the couch cracking their knuckles as they wait for him to come home, and a "to do" list that only has women's names on it. If you find two or more of these present in your man's house, he may be cheating.

4. Stop. Take a good look around you. Are you on a stage? Are there bright lights and cameras in front of you? A stripper pole to the right? A fight going on to the left? Is the 56th mayor of Cincinnati holding a mic and cracking wise? Are people chanting "Jerry!" repeatedly? Well my friend, you are on the Jerry Springer Show and may be about to find out your man is cheating on you... or that he's a woman... or that he wants you to smear donkey doo all over him during coitus... Let's hope he's cheating on you.

5. Last but not least, does he have another girlfriend or woman that he spends more of his time with? Does he never seem to call or text anymore? Has he changed his phone number and/or address without telling you? Does he say things like "What's your problem?" and "Stop stalking me!"? Is there a restraining order against you? If so, he may be cheating on you, and the only thing that's gonna win him over is your continued pursuit of, and undying affection for him.

Well I hope this helps, ladies. If anyone has any other signs they want to add, feel free to leave them in the comment section. And if you do happen to find out your man is cheating on you, just give me a call and I'll be more than happy to come over and "console" you... nude.

Ciao!

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Vice Versa

You know that movie with Fred Savage and Judge Reinholt where the father and son temporarily switch bodies after some crazy mishap or curse? I loved that movie growing up. I always thought it would be cool to switch roles with my mom for a few days so she would know how hard it is to be a kid. The other night I was thinking how naive I was back then to think I could ever survive in such a situation. Allow me to share with you a list of reasons I would die in less than a week if I were to ever switch bodies with my mother...

1. Shock
The moment I woke up and noticed I had a vag, I'm pretty sure my body would violently convulse until my organs, ovaries and all, ceased to function. And let's just hope I don't make it to a mirror before this happens. Dead in a week, systematic organ failure.

2. Personal Hygiene
Say by some miracle I realized I was in my mother's body and didn't stab myself in the throat immediately with a broken mirror. Ok. How am I gonna bathe and do all that is necessary to keep this body clean and healthy? I'm not undressing my mother and lathering her up in the shower. Fuck you, buddy. I'd be willing to run through a car wash with my clothes on, stand out in the rain, or maybe even get into a water balloon fight with some of the neighborhood children. But I don't believe that would suffice for a woman of her age. Dead in a week, wallowing in filth.

3. Waste Management
Go to the bathroom? No, sir. Again, I'm not touching or exposing anything above the elbows or knees. Dead in a week, floating in feces.

4. Estrogen
It's the most powerful drug in the world. I mean, the shit makes you cry and grow boobies. After 28yrs of being exposed to only small amounts of it, I'm sure my psyche couldn't handle an instant tidal wave of the stuff, with all the emotions and physical effects that accompany it. Dead in a week, drowning in a pool of tears over a broken nail.

5. Sex
No need for details. Dead in a week with blue ovaries.

In summation, I'm glad my mother isn't aware of this URL and if she ever finds this, I'll be dead in a week from massive blood loss and head trauma.

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Thoughts On MLK The Day After His Day

Idol worship is dangerous, no matter who it is. We should honor, not idolize. By recognizing our heroes as imperfect beings who accomplished great things through hard work, dedication and perseverance, we find a bit of them in ourselves, and thus the power to carry on where they left off. As opposed to feeling inferior and helpless while waiting for the next god like figure to emerge and save us, as we watch our state of affairs worsen.

I find it funny that the same people who praise Dr. King and scream for equality, also want to deny those same rights to gays. If you're on the anti-gay marriage side, some of your allies believe gay marriage to be as bad as interracial marriage. One opponent even went so far as to liken the two to beastiality and incest:

"Surely it is irrational to forbid incest! After all, we once made it illegal for whites to marry blacks, didn't we? So isn't it the same to deny Fred and Fido; Tom, Dick and Harry; and Sam and Sally? Wouldn't it be intolerant to say no to this happy trio of lovers? Isn't this what makes America great – equal rights for those who commit bestiality, polygamy, sodomy and incest?" - William Donahue

Dr. King judged men and women by character, and a great judge of character is the company you keep. Anti-gay? William Donahue considers you an ally.

There was a time Dr. King stood for more than equal rights for blacks. During his later, and arguably more dangerous years, he began preaching for socioeconomic equality:

"Our loyalties must transcend our race, our tribe, our class, and our nation; and this means we must develop a world perspective"

Some feel these teachings of unity across all bounds and borders is what lead to his assassination. Once we figure out that we all face similar oppressions by the same group of people, regardless of race, then we can put petty differences aside and bond to become a real threat to those oppressors.

Lastly, I got paid yesterday and didn't have to go into work. As a poor black man, I felt I was living the King's dream. Thanks, Doc.

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A Little Work

Lil' Wayne looks like Master Splinter with dreads. When asked what his appeal was, a fan of his said "It's his voice and abs".

Master Splinter, If you're out there somewhere reading this, take note. No longer must you troll the late night sewer scene picking up drunken rats @ last call. Get yourself a synthesizer, a 90 minute abs dvd (I'm sure the turtles have one lying around), and a ticket to the next Wayne concert and you've got yourself some fine surface tail! Or better yet, just show up to one of the after parties, pretend you're him and try not to drown in the the cascade that follows. Cause we all know rats are bad swimmers.

On a SN: I wonder if April O'Neil is a Weezy fan...? With as much time as she spends with the turtles, I'd say Birdman is more her type... What do you think?

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