For Show

I wonder how many people only wash their hands when other people are in the bathroom with them. I mean, I do it... but I'm always looking at the other guy and thinking... 'I betcha his nasty ass is only doing it cuz I'm here too'.

I admire the guy who zips up, walks over to the sink only for a glimpse at the mirror, and walks right out the bathroom and back to work... Leaving me wet handed and mad... That takes nuts. And I dnt mean the kind he'll be sharing with each and every hand shake.

Jesus Saves

This is the bus stop I stand at every night after work. Every so often I notice new tags around it encouraging people to follow the god of Abraham, or give their lives to Jesus... Today I realized I wasn't the only one paying attention...

Easter Candy

Day: Let me tell you what I see in this photo... I see a banana wearing a string of dead baby raspberries around his neck. A strawberry holding up the remains of a slain kiwi in a triumphant show of victory over his great, and powerful enemy. A peach offering a skinned mango as a sacrifice to the gods. And a cherry eating a watermelon and spitting his guts into the water... And apparently they are all doing this for the amusement and pleasure of the Lemonhead... who seems to be vacationing at Cannibal Fruit Island... and though he doesn't condone their actions, he throws his hands up as if to say "Hey, who am I to judge?"

Am I crazy, or do you see that too?

Mike: I think u had everythink right , execpt the Lemonhead...U see That is a representation of the Man he set up the whole fruit war!!!! And Y he get his own island huh???

Day: Truf! Fuck lemonhead. The fruit need to understand that even though they may all taste different, they are equally delicious in their own special ways. It's time they stop their petty squabbling. Band together as brothers of the tree, and end the sour tyranny of the lemonhead, who only seeks to divide and conquer all who are of a different peel than he!

Mike: THIS MITE BE THE FUNNIEST THREAD EVER ON FACEBOOK!!!!

Waiting

I wish I could poop right now. But I can't. It's like all my poops are waiting for some big event. I imagine going to the bathroom and they all jump out yelling 'SURPRISE!'. Then I say something like 'I already knew you guys were in there', as I flush their disappointed faces down the toilet...

Or maybe I should just say 'thanx'... So as not to ruin all their hard work and preparation?

Survival of The Fittest

For the last two weeks I've noticed a billboard on my way to work, sponsored by some random train company, depicting a man crossing the railroad tracks with his headphones blaring, oblivious of the train bearing down on him from behind. The tag line states something like, 'Never a safe shortcut'. And you wonder why they would spend money on such a ridiculous and seemingly common sense message... Then it hits you. It's the same reason our coffee cups say 'caution, hot'... Someone somewhere must have been hit by a train. And I would imagine that they found a shattered ipod amongst the human leggo puzzle...

Ok. If you get hit by a train because you were too dumb to see, hear, or feel it coming, you know what they call that? Natural selection. All in all, its a good thing. Unless you have children, of course. Cuz then there are potentially more people walking around with your idiot DNA. DNA that I'm sure we'll have to clean up off the tracks someday as well.

We should change the tag line of that billboard...

Trains... Strengthening the gene pool one idiot at a time...

Minimalist

I walked into the store thirsty as hell, today... drank half the bottle while waiting in line... noticed a $5 minimum charge on debit cards just before I got to the register... put the bottle back in the fridge and walked out... They accepted my $1 charge at Rite Aid...

The Snack Aisle

I think they should make the snack aisles very narrow... So that the people who ain't supposed to be there can't fit...

Plus skinny people such as myself could make a quick profit... I'll go in and get anything you want for a couple of dollars... and a Twinkie

Will Work For Food

I wonder what happened to all of the hard working bums of America. There was a time when you could find someone willing to provide some sort of service or entertainment for food or money, like a dance or clean windshield. But nowadays they just sit around with signs... and despite what you may see on the internet, they're not all funny.

Also, could somebody tell me where the fuck they're getting all these GD Sharpies from???